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| Judge JAG: Champion of Charities |
Everyone knows about former Judge Joe A. Gonzalez's dedication to the community. Whether it's slinging waffle tickets to benefit himself, or selling carne guisada plates to benefit himself, JAG has always been there to support himself for the community. His hard work and dedication have paid off over the years as a Justice Of The Peace for Nueces County, to the tune of an estimated 2 million dollars.
"I've raised alot over the years for various charities," says JAG modestly. "You may have heard of my many, many, organizations. There is "JAG-aholics Anonymous," or "Education for JAG's Grandkids," or maybe "What JAG's In Vegas, Stays In Vegas for Hungry Kids Fund," and most recently founded, the "JAG Needs a New Cadillac Charity for Needy Children," says the mastermind of 501 (3) Non-Profit organizations. "I do this for the kids. Think of them. God bless their little hearts." says JAG.
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"Who wants a popsicle, kids? Haha!"
-JAG considering cryogenics |
Judge JAG is also a huge proponent of charities aimed at keeping him alive for the benefit of the children of Nueces County. "Oh, he's an incredible investment to humanity," says cryogenic engineer Chad Brister. "We are currently in talks to cryogenically freeze his head posthumously in order to revive him later to raise money for different charities, and of course, he wants to cash in on his stocks and bonds." says Brister. "He paid me a sh*t-load to thaw him out in an election year. 2060, to be exact. By then his portfolio will have doubled, split, and doubled again. I don't know how it works, exactly. I'm not a big 'numbers' guy!" says the esteemed cryogenic scientist about JAG's financials.
With a heart like JAG's (a mechanical transplant engineered by Mercedes-Benz Corp. paid for by "JAG's Got A Soft Heart for Ugly Kids Fund"), it's hard to see why he would be the center of such controversy. "He's definitely in a lot of hot water around these parts!" says opponent Gil Hernandez, a Republican, and more notably, a Hispanic man that happens to talk like a really, really, white guy. Hernandez is JAG's opponent in the upcoming November election for the spot as a Nueces County Commissioner for Precinct 2.
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Have some Coke and a smile!
Gil Hernandez (R) |
"I'd like to point out that most of that stuff he did was totally illegal, and by-golly, we don't have to stand for it! Are ya with me, ladies and gentlemen?" spoke Hernandez to a crowd of 3 supporters at his latest fund raising event. Hernandez, a Coca-Cola executive by day, has vowed to spend at least 15 minutes of every weekday dedicated to being your next County Commissioner. The open spot is due to current Commissioner Betty Jean Longoria's pending retirement.
Joe A. Gonzalez is under scrutiny for taking fees and fines imposed on juveniles and their parents and diverting them to his own personal charities while serving as Justice of the Peace, and presiding over thousands of juvenile cases. Donations were collected by various family members, and more notably, a close political ally and friend, Joe Benavides, who is also a royal piece of sh*t.
"Well, by-golly, I say we let justice prevail! We cannot let him get away with this dad-gum abuse of office!" says opponent Gil Hernandez to a rabid fan base of 56 gay guys who thought the press conference was an Erik Estrada meet-and-greet. Rumors are abound that JAG is currently being investigated by the Texas Rangers for improprieties against the Code of Judicial Conduct.
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Betty Jean Longoria to retire after
years of dedicated service to Nueces County. |
"I've done nothing inappropriate while in office," JAG insists at a local rally in the Molina area to many of the people he took advantage of. Donations were made in lieu of fines under JAG's tenure as Judge. For every dollar donated to JAG's charity, $2 were taken off the fine that was supposed to be paid to the county. "Well, other than all that sh*t they have proof of. And by proof, I mean all those reports and audits that were done. Sure, those people have those extensive, completely accurate, incriminating, soul-damning accounting records. Said reports may point to how I completely f*cked up, sure. But other than that, I mean, come on, guys. I haven't done anything else wrong. Am I right? Guys? Right, fellas? Heh, heh. Uh, Guys?" says an unwavering Gonzalez to a crowd of about 5,000 people that really, really, want to kick his ass.
La Bandera caught up with JAG at a local Mexican restaurant for an exclusive interview. "Any money that was taken from the County through my blatant abuse of office has since been paid back," says JAG about the estimated $21,000 dollars taken away from the County that was donated to his personal charities of choice. "I've paid it back, and then some! In fact, I've given the County over $50,000 extra for their troubles! All in golden $500 dollar bills. Not to mention that dang Luxury Tax I always have to pay!" says the generous charity-for-profit tycoon.
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JAG: County paid back, big
tipper/supporter of many area
Hispanic waitresses/single moms |
