Flour Bluff H.S. Gay/Str8 Alliance: The "Nikki Peet Needs Ass" Club

Nikki Peet: She ain't got no alibi.

Corpus Christi, TX-
     In what seems to have ignited a firestorm of national controversy, the least attractive student in the world/at Flour Bluff High School was denied permission to start a Gay/Straight Alliance Support Group. "Do you know how tough it is to get laid in this town?  Do you? I'm the least attractive person ever, AND a lesbian.  Talk about a real-life FML situation over here!" says Nikki Peet, 19.
  
     "I wanted to create a place to go where I would feel comfortable in my own skin. My own oily, acne infested, hormonally imbalanced, pungent teenage skin." Peet said in a disturbingly personal interview with La Bandera.  "Have you ever kissed with tounge?" asked Peet.

Dr. Julie Carbajal:
"I want these kids to hump each other
as much as the next guy, but let's
keep a decent gene pool going."

     At the center of the controversy is Flour Bluff ISD Superintendent Dr. Julie Carbajal, who cancelled all extracurricular clubs at the school after the Gay/Straight Alliance Club was denied permission to meet on campus.  "This has nothing to do with being gay or straight." says Carbajal.  "The fact remains that this club is being founded by the worst possible specimen of lesbianism, ever. I mean, we have way hotter lesbians here. The club itself not the problem. No one wants to tap that ass." says Carbajal, pointing to Peet's Facebook photos.

     Peet is not happy about the decision that denied her club from organizing on campus. She argues her club is comparable to other extracurricular activities at the school. "The Fellowship of Christian Athletes meet here every Wednesday.  Just because those guys have 6 pack abs and amazing biceps and pecs doesn't give them any more right to assemble than me and my twerpy, awkward friends." "In fact, some of the guys from my club really want the FCA to join forces with us." says Peet about integrating the two groups. "We have also invited the girl's basketball and softball teams. We are a group of inclusion. We need more members. Lots of members. Get it? Do you get it?" asks Peet.

Zach Nelson (far right) and Matt Kirkland (middle)
lead the Fellowship of Christian Athletes at Flour Bluff HS
"even though they are probably all pumping on each other
afterwards." says Dr. Carbajal.

  
     Superintendent Carbajal remains firm on her decision to suspend all extracurricular activities until further notice.  "This wouldn't be an issue if, let's say, the Kieshnick Twins started the group.  They're the hottest lesbian twin sisters we have had in at least 6 years. If Zach Nelson or let's say Matt Kirkland wanted to start a group and call it 'Bi-Dudes Just Hanging Out Without Their Shirts On That Are Kind Of Sweaty Too,' I would be ok with that. I would be a sponsor and a chaperone." says Carbajal. "Honestly, I want a Gay/Straight Alliance Group here on campus after hours. I want as many of them crammed into a tiny, hot, dark room as possible. I would support an overnight lock-in to ease sexual difference tensions." says Carbajal.

ACLU attorney Taylor Dunbar:
"I look like Seinfeld right
before he sneezes, but constantly."

     The story has garnered national media attention and even the support of the American Civil Liberties Union.  The ACLU has sent a letter to Flour Bluff ISD demanding the Gay/Straight Alliance group be instated by March 9th, 2011, or the school district can expect a lawsuit. "We are known for being the most unattractive people in the world, and we support Nikki Peet and her right to get banged like any other teenager in high school. We know it's an uphill battle, but our team is determined to get her laid... like concrete." says Taylor Dunbar, a high profile ACLU lawyer and hideous lesbian in her own right.



  

La Bandera Endorsements

US Representative for 27th Congressional District:

Blake Farenthold (R) likes to party.  We like that.  Shows us the man has balls.

Solomon Ortiz (D) parties with little Asian boys.  No likey!

Texas Governor:

Bill White (D) cleaned up Houston.  Still looks like a piece of sh*t place to us!

Rick Perry (R) wears the finest leather jackets from The King Ranch catalog.  Go Texan.

District 34 State Representative:

Connie Scott (R) is a nice lady.  Good choice for the people. TO COACH A KIDS SOCCER TEAM.  

Abel Herrero (D) is nice too.  TO PLAY ON THAT SOCCER TEAM.

District 33 State Representative:

Raul Torres (R) a virtual unknown and has teamed up with some high profile crooks.

Solomon Ortiz Jr. (D) still owes us $5 for that time we got him high.  

NO ENDORSEMENT.

105th District Court:

Jose Manuel Banales:  Obviously corrupt, pays lawsuits off with county money.

Angelica Hernandez:  Smart lady, hates Banales just as much as we do.  

Nueces County Judge:

Loyd Neal (R) is qualified and capable of running the County.  Even though he hires all his buddies.

Clarissa Gonzalez (R) is borderline retarded.  No one even likes fiber optics anymore!  This isn't 1996!

County Court At Law 5:

Terry Shamsie (D) soft on kids, but he gets the job done.  We really want him to get tough.

Brent Chesney (R) He has his hands in everything.  Stay with your already 4 demanding jobs, Brent!

Nueces County Commissioner Precinct 2:

Joe A. Gonzalez (JAG) (D) is used to handling big budgets.  And placing them into his own pockets.  

Gil Hernandez (R) will only spend 15 hours on the job a week.  But, free Coke for everyone. Win!

Nueces County District Attorney:

Anna Jimenez (R) Does she know what she is doing?  Who knows.  Will she put people behind bars?  If she is as fierce in the courtroom as she is in the breakroom, yes. 

Mark Skurka (D) has tried 6 cases in 10 years.  In contrast, he has eaten 6 donuts in 1 day.

Justice of the Peace:

Joe Benavides: Why does everyone hate this guy?  Oh yeah.  He is a d*ckhead.

Amanda Torres: We want to slow dance with her like at the end of Dirty Dancing.  

In all sincerity, the best to all candidates.  Thanks for tuning in to La Bandera.  Make sure you vote November 2nd.  Utilize your rights as a citizen of these United States.  Voices must be heard.

Brent Chesney: "Plz Vote 4 me k thx"

-Corpus Christi, TX

"Vote 4 me 2day LOL"-
Chesney sends mass text
to everyone he knows.

In what seems to be a last ditch effort of campaigning, Corpus Christi Councilman Brent Chesney (R) contacted the La Bandera offices last week requesting a last minute interview for the blog.  Chesney is taking aim at a spot as the Judge for County Court at Law #5, currently handled by Judge Terry Shamsie (D).  "Wnt 2 talk 2 u bout intrvw. txt me bk asap :)"  said Chesney via text message.  A portion of the interview is published here at the request of Mr. Chesney.

La Bandera:  sup?

Brent Chesney:  nm, got alot on my mind rite now. shamsie is a d-bag!

La Bandera:  for real, dude. what u gonna do?

Brent Chesney: dunno yet. prob take some of his signs dwn. hahhaha jk jk

La Bandera: LOL thats messed up

Brent Chesney: nah so what up tonitw

Brent Chesney: tonite*

La Bandera: chillin u?

Brent Chesney: at city councl mtg.  sux! hold on someone is asking me a ?

Brent Chesney: dude this is bullsht!!!!

La Bandera: what?

Brent Chesney: fkn Nelda being a beyotchhh rite now

La Bandera: whuuut.  she jus mad cause she got a white perm!

Brent Chesney: HHAHAHHA for real!!! she is the mexican arsenic Hall

Brent Chesney: *Arsenio... fkn iPhone autocorrect!

La Bandera: haha yeah i was all whut? arsenic? 

Brent Chesney: dude that screwed up my joke

Brent Chesney: g2g. rayz game tonight. hit me up tmrw. talk bout elction

La Bandera: wordddd

"I love the children.  Oh, sick!
Not in that way, you guys!"
Shamsie gets ready for another
day on the bench.

Most cases filed in County Court 5 involve cases dealing with family law.  Child Protective Services has cases in the court, and juveniles are tried for their various offenses.  Some say current Judge Terry Shamsie is just too soft on the juveniles, who have offenses ranging from petty theft to grand theft auto, and everywhere imaginable inbetween.  "Hey there.  Vote for me because I'll do a great job," Shamsie whispered softly into a voters ear, while campaigning outside the Center For The Deaf.  "Can I have  hug?" he asked the elderly woman on her way to vote.  "I just love hugs.  I'd hug anyone, really.  Anyone in the whooooole wide world," said Shamsie, ever so delicately and softy.  Terry Shamsie, although a quiet, mousy, little beady-eyed man is known to be one of the most brilliant minds in County Government.   "I got a lot up top, some say?  Well, gee, that's nice.  Makes me feel as fuzzy as my cardigan, " chuckled the savant-like Judge.  

"Just add a stick of butter, yall!"
Nelda Martinez says in her Halloween
costume.  "I'm going as Mexican Paula Deen!"

"Dude what a p***y LOLZZZZZ!" said Chesney after hearing of the interview, late Friday night.  "Deaf ppl cant vote. AM I RIGHT!!!! jk jk jk jk."  "Dude needs 2 be hardcore. kids are effing up the town rite now >:(" said Chesney, sternly.  Chesney promises to be tough on juvenile crime, while Shamsie steers away from harsh punishment.  

"We have done studies that boot camps are ineffective.  Recidivism rates are too high for such programs to be considered effective.  Families are torn apart for months, sometimes a year at a time, yet we achieve nothing," said Shamsie, while feeding marshmallows by hand to a group of high school football players caught for savagely disfiguring a female student at a late night party.  "Who am I to take them away from their families and destroy that sacred entity?" pondered Shamsie.  

Chesney promises to be less lenient.  "I'll beat they azz!" says Chesney.  "I hate graffit. hate car punks/steal sh*t. stab/shoot? u die for that in my court." "Black white meskin dont care. every1 going down. f that. im cleaning this pl up. im crazy rite now." "*mexican srry,"Chesney apologetically corrected about the obviously racial slur, that is still sort of racist anyways.  

Quick update.

Thanks to all who have been dropping by the blog.  We are hitting an insane amount of traffic right before elections.  Tell your friends, tell your co-workers.  Get the inside joke that has been going around your office.  Find us on Facebook.  Search for La Bandera Nueces, and "like" us.  Get with the program, or get the hell out of the way.  South Texas' first political satire blog.  Don't be left out of the joke.


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JAG diverts County funds, pays it forward!

Judge JAG: Champion of Charities

Everyone knows about former Judge Joe A. Gonzalez's dedication to the community.  Whether it's slinging waffle tickets to benefit himself, or selling carne guisada plates to benefit himself, JAG has always been there to support himself for the community.  His hard work and dedication have paid off over the years as a Justice Of The Peace for Nueces County, to the tune of an estimated 2 million dollars.

"I've raised alot over the years for various charities," says JAG modestly.  "You may have heard of my many, many, organizations. There is "JAG-aholics Anonymous," or "Education for JAG's Grandkids," or maybe "What JAG's In Vegas, Stays In Vegas for Hungry Kids Fund," and most recently founded, the "JAG Needs a New Cadillac Charity for Needy Children," says the mastermind of 501 (3) Non-Profit organizations.  "I do this for the kids.  Think of them.  God bless their little hearts." says JAG.

"Who wants a popsicle, kids? Haha!"
-JAG considering cryogenics

Judge JAG is also a huge proponent of charities aimed at keeping him alive for the benefit of the children of Nueces County.  "Oh, he's an incredible investment to humanity," says cryogenic engineer Chad Brister.  "We are currently in talks to cryogenically freeze his head posthumously in order to revive him later to raise money for different charities, and of course, he wants to cash in on his stocks and bonds." says Brister.  "He paid me a sh*t-load to thaw him out in an election year. 2060, to be exact.  By then his portfolio will have doubled, split, and doubled again.  I don't know how it works, exactly.  I'm not a big 'numbers' guy!" says the esteemed cryogenic scientist about JAG's financials.

With a heart like JAG's (a mechanical transplant engineered by Mercedes-Benz Corp. paid for by "JAG's Got A Soft Heart for Ugly Kids Fund"), it's hard to see why he would be the center of such controversy.  "He's definitely in a lot of hot water around these parts!" says opponent Gil Hernandez, a Republican, and more notably, a Hispanic man that happens to talk like a really, really, white guy.  Hernandez is JAG's opponent in the upcoming November election for the spot as a Nueces County Commissioner for Precinct 2.

Have some Coke and a smile!
Gil Hernandez (R)

"I'd like to point out that most of that stuff he did was totally illegal, and by-golly, we don't have to stand for it! Are ya with me, ladies and gentlemen?"  spoke Hernandez to a crowd of 3 supporters at his latest fund raising event.  Hernandez, a Coca-Cola executive by day, has vowed to spend at least 15 minutes of every weekday dedicated to being your next County Commissioner.  The open spot is due to current Commissioner Betty Jean Longoria's pending retirement.

Joe A. Gonzalez is under scrutiny for taking fees and fines imposed on juveniles and their parents and diverting them to his own personal charities while serving as Justice of the Peace, and presiding over thousands of juvenile cases.  Donations were collected by various family members, and more notably, a close political ally and friend, Joe Benavides, who is also a royal piece of sh*t.

"Well, by-golly, I say we let justice prevail!  We cannot let him get away with this dad-gum abuse of office!" says opponent Gil Hernandez to a rabid fan base of 56 gay guys who thought the press conference was an Erik Estrada meet-and-greet.  Rumors are abound that JAG is currently being investigated by the Texas Rangers for improprieties against the Code of Judicial Conduct.

Betty Jean Longoria to retire after
years of dedicated service to Nueces County.

"I've done nothing inappropriate while in office," JAG insists at a local rally in the Molina area to many of the people he took advantage of.  Donations were made in lieu of fines under JAG's tenure as Judge.  For every dollar donated to JAG's charity, $2 were taken off the fine that was supposed to be paid to the county.  "Well, other than all that sh*t they have proof of.  And by proof, I mean all those reports and audits that were done.  Sure, those people have those extensive, completely accurate, incriminating, soul-damning accounting records.  Said reports may point to how I completely f*cked up, sure.  But other than that, I mean, come on, guys.  I haven't done anything else wrong.  Am I right?  Guys?  Right, fellas?  Heh, heh.  Uh, Guys?" says an unwavering Gonzalez to a crowd of about 5,000 people that really, really, want to kick his ass.

La Bandera caught up with JAG at a local Mexican restaurant for an exclusive interview.  "Any money that was taken from the County through my blatant abuse of office has since been paid back,"  says JAG about the estimated $21,000 dollars taken away from the County that was donated to his personal charities of choice.  "I've paid it back, and then some!  In fact, I've given the County over $50,000 extra for their troubles!  All in golden $500 dollar bills.  Not to mention that dang Luxury Tax I always have to pay!"  says the generous charity-for-profit tycoon.

JAG: County paid back,  big
tipper/supporter of  many area
Hispanic waitresses/single moms 

Profiles: Banales; The Bandito on the Bench

-Corpus Christi, Texas

Artist's depiction of incident involving
105th District Court Judge Manuel Banales
and TXDOT early Tuesday.

After what seemed like an endless tirade of profanities and quite the dramatic posturing, peppered with simple assault, and what may have been an attempt at arson, Judge Manuel Banales learned today that his Texas Department Of Transportation issued Driver's/Rabbit Hunting License has been revoked.  "There must be some mistake!  This is PREPOSTEROUS, I say, PREPOST-ERRONEOUS, uh huh!!" said Banales, to the TXDOT female clerk.

"Do you know who I am, dear?  Im the roughest-toughest-He-Man-stuffest hombre, thats ever crossed the Rio Grand-ay and I demand to speak to your supervisor!"  Banales said after unsuccessfully attempting to shoot the clerk, but instead drew a banana from his holster. "I'm the rootenist-tootenist cowboy boot-enist, and I ain't talkin' bout no Mahatma Ghand-eye..." said Banales as he was taken into custody under the suspicion of Disorderly Conduct, Public Intoxication, Assault on a Public Servant, Attempting to Discharge a Banana in a Public Place, and Disturbing The Peace.  Banales was released shortly thereafter, and proper charges have yet to be filed.

"License? We don't need no stinkin' license..."
Banales on recently revoked privileges. 

Banales, one of the region's longest standing Judges, and one of the nation's worst rabbit hunters was in for a suprise when his driver's/killer's license was not renewed on October 19, in what must have been a crippling blow to the morale of the aging Judge.  With upcoming elections, Judge Manuel Banales find himself in a predicament.  Senior political analyst Homero Villarreal remains optimistic.  "He can't drive for sh*t, and he can't kill varmints for sh*t, but I still believe in him."  says Villarreal about the "dern galoot."

Hernandez: F*cking pissed.

His opponent in the upcoming elections for the 105th District Court position is the quite talented and extremely intelligent Angelica Hernandez.  Hernandez is also quick to point out Banales' spending rampage, where in one instance, incumbent Judge Banales orders new law books every year to the tune of $6000 annually.  "Would you say I have a PLETHORA of law books?  What is wrong with wanting to know the law?  Laws change everyday." retorts Banales about the books, that are viewed online for a fraction of the cost by everyone else in the whole-entire-wide-world.  "Do you know what a plethora is, Homero?" asks Banales, accusatorially. Also of note, wife Peggy Banales comes under scrutiny for having championed and ordered the extensive remodeling of a Nueces County courtroom, which is now so large, it is now more of a burden to staff amidst county cutbacks.  Nicknamed the Taj Mahal, the courtroom remains mostly unused, much to taxpayers dismay.

"He runs over people for f*cks sake.  Are you people insane?  He f*cking runs people over.  In his car.  I even heard one guy was retarded!" said opponent Angelica Hernandez in a telephone interview with La Bandera.

Political blogger/Banales supporter/
Terrible speller/Generally unhygienic: Homero Villarreal 

The Banales camp is quick to reply.  "My husband is a good man.  He runs over people.  So f*cking what?  One of them was retarded? Oh, for f*cks sake.  Give us a break.  What do you expect from us?  We're normal people.  He just happens to drive like complete sh*t.  He's practically an 80 year old woman." says wife Peggy Banales.

Citizens of Nueces County were outraged to hear that all victims of Judge Manuel Banales sh*tty driving were paid over $50,000 each from Nueces County funds.  Taxpayers were kept in the dark about footing the bill for Banales' accidents that were never investigated as alcohol related.  No field sobriety tests or breath analysis were ordered or utilized.  "Oh you're f*cking kidding me, right?!" says Republican challenger Angelica Hernandez and about 250,000 other freaking people after learning of the ordeal.

Rare footage of Judge Banales' Tuesday afternoon drive.

"Can someone just take the keys away, for the love of God?" Hernandez begs.  "He can't stop.  He won't!" says Hernandez, pulling out her hair and crying, seeming almost angry at God.  When questioned of the incidents, Banales remained confindent.  "I'm Judge Banales! I do what I want!  I have for 24 years, and ain't noone gonna f*ckin stop me!" said Banales as he fired two pistols in the air, hopped into a stolen Camaro and ran-over sh*tloads of more people.  -La Bandera

Fun with Fotos!

This week, La Bandera takes a look at Nueces County politics in a piece we'd like to call:
The Mala Suerte Social Club.  Azucar!

"I take the shirts out of the washing machine, then put them in the dryer,"
Clarissa Gonzales speaks to her 5 voters.

Solomon Ortiz Jr. and Abel Herrero re-enact
a scene from "Dead Poets Society"

"Heh...heh heh..heh.." Beavis and Butt-Head

Gil Hernandez: Scared sh*tless by a students question.

"We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind..."
Joe Benavides reenacting The River Dance.

"BORINGGGGGG!" -Anna Jimenez in action.

Be different! Vote for Guy Williams!  No one else will!

"Ok, Ok, I won't.." Banales on his promise to
"NOT RUN OVER ANYONE ELSE.  JESUS...
CAN'T WE JUST DROP ALL OF THIS, ALREADY?"

"Spin the bottle!!!"- Chesney and Garrett

"Just taste it! It's a new iPhone!"
-State Rep. Todd Hunter taste testing area man's phone.

"I want my free Rascal!" Judge Jag
ordering his wheelchair mobility solution.