La Bandera Endorsements

US Representative for 27th Congressional District:

Blake Farenthold (R) likes to party.  We like that.  Shows us the man has balls.

Solomon Ortiz (D) parties with little Asian boys.  No likey!

Texas Governor:

Bill White (D) cleaned up Houston.  Still looks like a piece of sh*t place to us!

Rick Perry (R) wears the finest leather jackets from The King Ranch catalog.  Go Texan.

District 34 State Representative:

Connie Scott (R) is a nice lady.  Good choice for the people. TO COACH A KIDS SOCCER TEAM.  

Abel Herrero (D) is nice too.  TO PLAY ON THAT SOCCER TEAM.

District 33 State Representative:

Raul Torres (R) a virtual unknown and has teamed up with some high profile crooks.

Solomon Ortiz Jr. (D) still owes us $5 for that time we got him high.  

NO ENDORSEMENT.

105th District Court:

Jose Manuel Banales:  Obviously corrupt, pays lawsuits off with county money.

Angelica Hernandez:  Smart lady, hates Banales just as much as we do.  

Nueces County Judge:

Loyd Neal (R) is qualified and capable of running the County.  Even though he hires all his buddies.

Clarissa Gonzalez (R) is borderline retarded.  No one even likes fiber optics anymore!  This isn't 1996!

County Court At Law 5:

Terry Shamsie (D) soft on kids, but he gets the job done.  We really want him to get tough.

Brent Chesney (R) He has his hands in everything.  Stay with your already 4 demanding jobs, Brent!

Nueces County Commissioner Precinct 2:

Joe A. Gonzalez (JAG) (D) is used to handling big budgets.  And placing them into his own pockets.  

Gil Hernandez (R) will only spend 15 hours on the job a week.  But, free Coke for everyone. Win!

Nueces County District Attorney:

Anna Jimenez (R) Does she know what she is doing?  Who knows.  Will she put people behind bars?  If she is as fierce in the courtroom as she is in the breakroom, yes. 

Mark Skurka (D) has tried 6 cases in 10 years.  In contrast, he has eaten 6 donuts in 1 day.

Justice of the Peace:

Joe Benavides: Why does everyone hate this guy?  Oh yeah.  He is a d*ckhead.

Amanda Torres: We want to slow dance with her like at the end of Dirty Dancing.  

In all sincerity, the best to all candidates.  Thanks for tuning in to La Bandera.  Make sure you vote November 2nd.  Utilize your rights as a citizen of these United States.  Voices must be heard.

Brent Chesney: "Plz Vote 4 me k thx"

-Corpus Christi, TX

"Vote 4 me 2day LOL"-
Chesney sends mass text
to everyone he knows.

In what seems to be a last ditch effort of campaigning, Corpus Christi Councilman Brent Chesney (R) contacted the La Bandera offices last week requesting a last minute interview for the blog.  Chesney is taking aim at a spot as the Judge for County Court at Law #5, currently handled by Judge Terry Shamsie (D).  "Wnt 2 talk 2 u bout intrvw. txt me bk asap :)"  said Chesney via text message.  A portion of the interview is published here at the request of Mr. Chesney.

La Bandera:  sup?

Brent Chesney:  nm, got alot on my mind rite now. shamsie is a d-bag!

La Bandera:  for real, dude. what u gonna do?

Brent Chesney: dunno yet. prob take some of his signs dwn. hahhaha jk jk

La Bandera: LOL thats messed up

Brent Chesney: nah so what up tonitw

Brent Chesney: tonite*

La Bandera: chillin u?

Brent Chesney: at city councl mtg.  sux! hold on someone is asking me a ?

Brent Chesney: dude this is bullsht!!!!

La Bandera: what?

Brent Chesney: fkn Nelda being a beyotchhh rite now

La Bandera: whuuut.  she jus mad cause she got a white perm!

Brent Chesney: HHAHAHHA for real!!! she is the mexican arsenic Hall

Brent Chesney: *Arsenio... fkn iPhone autocorrect!

La Bandera: haha yeah i was all whut? arsenic? 

Brent Chesney: dude that screwed up my joke

Brent Chesney: g2g. rayz game tonight. hit me up tmrw. talk bout elction

La Bandera: wordddd

"I love the children.  Oh, sick!
Not in that way, you guys!"
Shamsie gets ready for another
day on the bench.

Most cases filed in County Court 5 involve cases dealing with family law.  Child Protective Services has cases in the court, and juveniles are tried for their various offenses.  Some say current Judge Terry Shamsie is just too soft on the juveniles, who have offenses ranging from petty theft to grand theft auto, and everywhere imaginable inbetween.  "Hey there.  Vote for me because I'll do a great job," Shamsie whispered softly into a voters ear, while campaigning outside the Center For The Deaf.  "Can I have  hug?" he asked the elderly woman on her way to vote.  "I just love hugs.  I'd hug anyone, really.  Anyone in the whooooole wide world," said Shamsie, ever so delicately and softy.  Terry Shamsie, although a quiet, mousy, little beady-eyed man is known to be one of the most brilliant minds in County Government.   "I got a lot up top, some say?  Well, gee, that's nice.  Makes me feel as fuzzy as my cardigan, " chuckled the savant-like Judge.  

"Just add a stick of butter, yall!"
Nelda Martinez says in her Halloween
costume.  "I'm going as Mexican Paula Deen!"

"Dude what a p***y LOLZZZZZ!" said Chesney after hearing of the interview, late Friday night.  "Deaf ppl cant vote. AM I RIGHT!!!! jk jk jk jk."  "Dude needs 2 be hardcore. kids are effing up the town rite now >:(" said Chesney, sternly.  Chesney promises to be tough on juvenile crime, while Shamsie steers away from harsh punishment.  

"We have done studies that boot camps are ineffective.  Recidivism rates are too high for such programs to be considered effective.  Families are torn apart for months, sometimes a year at a time, yet we achieve nothing," said Shamsie, while feeding marshmallows by hand to a group of high school football players caught for savagely disfiguring a female student at a late night party.  "Who am I to take them away from their families and destroy that sacred entity?" pondered Shamsie.  

Chesney promises to be less lenient.  "I'll beat they azz!" says Chesney.  "I hate graffit. hate car punks/steal sh*t. stab/shoot? u die for that in my court." "Black white meskin dont care. every1 going down. f that. im cleaning this pl up. im crazy rite now." "*mexican srry,"Chesney apologetically corrected about the obviously racial slur, that is still sort of racist anyways.  

Quick update.

Thanks to all who have been dropping by the blog.  We are hitting an insane amount of traffic right before elections.  Tell your friends, tell your co-workers.  Get the inside joke that has been going around your office.  Find us on Facebook.  Search for La Bandera Nueces, and "like" us.  Get with the program, or get the hell out of the way.  South Texas' first political satire blog.  Don't be left out of the joke.


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JAG diverts County funds, pays it forward!

Judge JAG: Champion of Charities

Everyone knows about former Judge Joe A. Gonzalez's dedication to the community.  Whether it's slinging waffle tickets to benefit himself, or selling carne guisada plates to benefit himself, JAG has always been there to support himself for the community.  His hard work and dedication have paid off over the years as a Justice Of The Peace for Nueces County, to the tune of an estimated 2 million dollars.

"I've raised alot over the years for various charities," says JAG modestly.  "You may have heard of my many, many, organizations. There is "JAG-aholics Anonymous," or "Education for JAG's Grandkids," or maybe "What JAG's In Vegas, Stays In Vegas for Hungry Kids Fund," and most recently founded, the "JAG Needs a New Cadillac Charity for Needy Children," says the mastermind of 501 (3) Non-Profit organizations.  "I do this for the kids.  Think of them.  God bless their little hearts." says JAG.

"Who wants a popsicle, kids? Haha!"
-JAG considering cryogenics

Judge JAG is also a huge proponent of charities aimed at keeping him alive for the benefit of the children of Nueces County.  "Oh, he's an incredible investment to humanity," says cryogenic engineer Chad Brister.  "We are currently in talks to cryogenically freeze his head posthumously in order to revive him later to raise money for different charities, and of course, he wants to cash in on his stocks and bonds." says Brister.  "He paid me a sh*t-load to thaw him out in an election year. 2060, to be exact.  By then his portfolio will have doubled, split, and doubled again.  I don't know how it works, exactly.  I'm not a big 'numbers' guy!" says the esteemed cryogenic scientist about JAG's financials.

With a heart like JAG's (a mechanical transplant engineered by Mercedes-Benz Corp. paid for by "JAG's Got A Soft Heart for Ugly Kids Fund"), it's hard to see why he would be the center of such controversy.  "He's definitely in a lot of hot water around these parts!" says opponent Gil Hernandez, a Republican, and more notably, a Hispanic man that happens to talk like a really, really, white guy.  Hernandez is JAG's opponent in the upcoming November election for the spot as a Nueces County Commissioner for Precinct 2.

Have some Coke and a smile!
Gil Hernandez (R)

"I'd like to point out that most of that stuff he did was totally illegal, and by-golly, we don't have to stand for it! Are ya with me, ladies and gentlemen?"  spoke Hernandez to a crowd of 3 supporters at his latest fund raising event.  Hernandez, a Coca-Cola executive by day, has vowed to spend at least 15 minutes of every weekday dedicated to being your next County Commissioner.  The open spot is due to current Commissioner Betty Jean Longoria's pending retirement.

Joe A. Gonzalez is under scrutiny for taking fees and fines imposed on juveniles and their parents and diverting them to his own personal charities while serving as Justice of the Peace, and presiding over thousands of juvenile cases.  Donations were collected by various family members, and more notably, a close political ally and friend, Joe Benavides, who is also a royal piece of sh*t.

"Well, by-golly, I say we let justice prevail!  We cannot let him get away with this dad-gum abuse of office!" says opponent Gil Hernandez to a rabid fan base of 56 gay guys who thought the press conference was an Erik Estrada meet-and-greet.  Rumors are abound that JAG is currently being investigated by the Texas Rangers for improprieties against the Code of Judicial Conduct.

Betty Jean Longoria to retire after
years of dedicated service to Nueces County.

"I've done nothing inappropriate while in office," JAG insists at a local rally in the Molina area to many of the people he took advantage of.  Donations were made in lieu of fines under JAG's tenure as Judge.  For every dollar donated to JAG's charity, $2 were taken off the fine that was supposed to be paid to the county.  "Well, other than all that sh*t they have proof of.  And by proof, I mean all those reports and audits that were done.  Sure, those people have those extensive, completely accurate, incriminating, soul-damning accounting records.  Said reports may point to how I completely f*cked up, sure.  But other than that, I mean, come on, guys.  I haven't done anything else wrong.  Am I right?  Guys?  Right, fellas?  Heh, heh.  Uh, Guys?" says an unwavering Gonzalez to a crowd of about 5,000 people that really, really, want to kick his ass.

La Bandera caught up with JAG at a local Mexican restaurant for an exclusive interview.  "Any money that was taken from the County through my blatant abuse of office has since been paid back,"  says JAG about the estimated $21,000 dollars taken away from the County that was donated to his personal charities of choice.  "I've paid it back, and then some!  In fact, I've given the County over $50,000 extra for their troubles!  All in golden $500 dollar bills.  Not to mention that dang Luxury Tax I always have to pay!"  says the generous charity-for-profit tycoon.

JAG: County paid back,  big
tipper/supporter of  many area
Hispanic waitresses/single moms 

Profiles: Banales; The Bandito on the Bench

-Corpus Christi, Texas

Artist's depiction of incident involving
105th District Court Judge Manuel Banales
and TXDOT early Tuesday.

After what seemed like an endless tirade of profanities and quite the dramatic posturing, peppered with simple assault, and what may have been an attempt at arson, Judge Manuel Banales learned today that his Texas Department Of Transportation issued Driver's/Rabbit Hunting License has been revoked.  "There must be some mistake!  This is PREPOSTEROUS, I say, PREPOST-ERRONEOUS, uh huh!!" said Banales, to the TXDOT female clerk.

"Do you know who I am, dear?  Im the roughest-toughest-He-Man-stuffest hombre, thats ever crossed the Rio Grand-ay and I demand to speak to your supervisor!"  Banales said after unsuccessfully attempting to shoot the clerk, but instead drew a banana from his holster. "I'm the rootenist-tootenist cowboy boot-enist, and I ain't talkin' bout no Mahatma Ghand-eye..." said Banales as he was taken into custody under the suspicion of Disorderly Conduct, Public Intoxication, Assault on a Public Servant, Attempting to Discharge a Banana in a Public Place, and Disturbing The Peace.  Banales was released shortly thereafter, and proper charges have yet to be filed.

"License? We don't need no stinkin' license..."
Banales on recently revoked privileges. 

Banales, one of the region's longest standing Judges, and one of the nation's worst rabbit hunters was in for a suprise when his driver's/killer's license was not renewed on October 19, in what must have been a crippling blow to the morale of the aging Judge.  With upcoming elections, Judge Manuel Banales find himself in a predicament.  Senior political analyst Homero Villarreal remains optimistic.  "He can't drive for sh*t, and he can't kill varmints for sh*t, but I still believe in him."  says Villarreal about the "dern galoot."

Hernandez: F*cking pissed.

His opponent in the upcoming elections for the 105th District Court position is the quite talented and extremely intelligent Angelica Hernandez.  Hernandez is also quick to point out Banales' spending rampage, where in one instance, incumbent Judge Banales orders new law books every year to the tune of $6000 annually.  "Would you say I have a PLETHORA of law books?  What is wrong with wanting to know the law?  Laws change everyday." retorts Banales about the books, that are viewed online for a fraction of the cost by everyone else in the whole-entire-wide-world.  "Do you know what a plethora is, Homero?" asks Banales, accusatorially. Also of note, wife Peggy Banales comes under scrutiny for having championed and ordered the extensive remodeling of a Nueces County courtroom, which is now so large, it is now more of a burden to staff amidst county cutbacks.  Nicknamed the Taj Mahal, the courtroom remains mostly unused, much to taxpayers dismay.

"He runs over people for f*cks sake.  Are you people insane?  He f*cking runs people over.  In his car.  I even heard one guy was retarded!" said opponent Angelica Hernandez in a telephone interview with La Bandera.

Political blogger/Banales supporter/
Terrible speller/Generally unhygienic: Homero Villarreal 

The Banales camp is quick to reply.  "My husband is a good man.  He runs over people.  So f*cking what?  One of them was retarded? Oh, for f*cks sake.  Give us a break.  What do you expect from us?  We're normal people.  He just happens to drive like complete sh*t.  He's practically an 80 year old woman." says wife Peggy Banales.

Citizens of Nueces County were outraged to hear that all victims of Judge Manuel Banales sh*tty driving were paid over $50,000 each from Nueces County funds.  Taxpayers were kept in the dark about footing the bill for Banales' accidents that were never investigated as alcohol related.  No field sobriety tests or breath analysis were ordered or utilized.  "Oh you're f*cking kidding me, right?!" says Republican challenger Angelica Hernandez and about 250,000 other freaking people after learning of the ordeal.

Rare footage of Judge Banales' Tuesday afternoon drive.

"Can someone just take the keys away, for the love of God?" Hernandez begs.  "He can't stop.  He won't!" says Hernandez, pulling out her hair and crying, seeming almost angry at God.  When questioned of the incidents, Banales remained confindent.  "I'm Judge Banales! I do what I want!  I have for 24 years, and ain't noone gonna f*ckin stop me!" said Banales as he fired two pistols in the air, hopped into a stolen Camaro and ran-over sh*tloads of more people.  -La Bandera

Fun with Fotos!

This week, La Bandera takes a look at Nueces County politics in a piece we'd like to call:
The Mala Suerte Social Club.  Azucar!

"I take the shirts out of the washing machine, then put them in the dryer,"
Clarissa Gonzales speaks to her 5 voters.

Solomon Ortiz Jr. and Abel Herrero re-enact
a scene from "Dead Poets Society"

"Heh...heh heh..heh.." Beavis and Butt-Head

Gil Hernandez: Scared sh*tless by a students question.

"We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind..."
Joe Benavides reenacting The River Dance.

"BORINGGGGGG!" -Anna Jimenez in action.

Be different! Vote for Guy Williams!  No one else will!

"Ok, Ok, I won't.." Banales on his promise to
"NOT RUN OVER ANYONE ELSE.  JESUS...
CAN'T WE JUST DROP ALL OF THIS, ALREADY?"

"Spin the bottle!!!"- Chesney and Garrett

"Just taste it! It's a new iPhone!"
-State Rep. Todd Hunter taste testing area man's phone.

"I want my free Rascal!" Judge Jag
ordering his wheelchair mobility solution.

Personalities: Blockwalking with D.A. Anna Jimenez

-Corpus Christi, Texas

We here at La Bandera believe in the women of our community.  The women of politics in Nueces County are strong, intelligent, and respectable women.  One strong woman has stepped into the spotlight in Nueces County and has began stirring the menudo that is South Texas politics.  That woman is District Attorney Anna Jimenez.  La Bandera was given an all access pass to witness the diligent work ethic of one of the County's most treasured assets.  Anna Jimenez is going after the votes: One by one.

"Talk to the hand, cause Mamma ain't listenin!"
-says Jimenez to accused murderer Anthony Scott
during a 3 month trial. Scott was found not guilty by a jury.

"Mmmm mmmm, boy. D*mnit!  I like them Latinas fo' sho'!" says Darryl Jackson, 55, a longtime resident of Hillcrest in the Northside area of Corpus Christi.  "Momma lookin' a fine, know what I'm sayin'?  Mhmmm.  Yes ma'am. D*mnnnnn right." said Jackson after looking at a photo of Jimenez, licking his lips.  With popularity waning after several newspaper reports regarding her office politics, Jiimenez has sought out a new demographic to get her into office.  The African-American population of Corpus Christi.

La Bandera set out on a mission to get real numbers and statistics for our readers.  A poll was administered to 50 African-American males, aged 18 to 65, over the course of a hot September afternoon, near the park on the corner of Winnebago and Kennedy.  The poll was basic in structure, and consisted of one lone question, "Who do you like better?"  The question was accompanied by two photos.  One of District Attorney Anna Jimenez, and the other photo of Democrat opponent Mark Skurka.  The poll was a landslide victory for Jimenez, with results at 50-0, Jimenez (3% margin for error).  Dashaun Williams, 38, has never voted, but will this November.  "Hell yeah, man.  That lady looks good enough for me.  Probably smart.  She thick in the trunk, too.  Mamasita gots a donk.  I like that." said Williams, who then proceeded to high-five several other men who took the poll.

Jimenez (middle) and other volunteers encouraging
the citizens of Nueces County to register to vote.  

Jimenez, desperate for votes amid party controversy, has enlisted a political consultant to aid in her campaign.  "Deacon" Freddy "Delicious Red" Washington has been in the game since the late 1970's.  His advertising company "People Insisting My Procurement, Inc., National" has implemented a rigorous schedule of block-walking for District Attorney Jimenez.  "I keep her out there for hours and hours.  She starts at 7 pm, and sometimes I don't let her finish til 2 or 3 am.  She needs to be workin' the streets.  Hustlin' those votes.  She don't do it for me.  She does it for herself." says Washington.  "People in this neighborhood like her.  Little mama can make alot of people around here happy.  What I do, ain't easy.  It ain't." says Washington.

Skurka: Wrongfully terminated or justly dismissed?

Anna Jimenez is no stranger to controversy.  Jimenez first garnered such controversial attention with the firing of Mark Skurka, her Democrat opponent in the upcoming November election.  Some say the firing was politically motivated, some say documents show the firing was in line with the office's policy regarding employees running for political position.  The Corpus Christi Caller Times has published an article supporting the policy and Skurka's firing. Several bloggers have voiced outrage over the matter.

Candid Camera: Jimenez and Rodriguez
pose for a picture in 1988.

Another round of controversy arose with the firing of Assistant District Attorney Sandra Eastwood, after rumors spread of her releasing a profanity laced document written by Jimenez as a joke to local defense attorney Rene Rodriguez.  The profanity laced document was distributed around offices and finally landed in the hands of the media, much to the despair of the citizens of Nueces County.

With Democrats infuriated with Jimenez, and Republicans wanting to distance themselves from the controversy, Jimenez seems backed into a corner.  But this is no ordinary woman.  She can handle almost anyone.  She can take on more than what you give.  She's a pretty woman, walking down the street.

Guy Williams: Nice Guy, Sh*tty Dog

A Special La Bandera Open Letter (printed with permission):

You better listen up, Guy Williams, and listen up good!  If you think you can keep getting away with all you have done up until now, you are severely mistaken.  Listen, I have tried to reason with you and your much younger wife.  Francis and I even invited you over a few times for Bar-Be-Que and even the "Big Game."  But honestly, I can't take it anymore!  You just don't seem to get it, and I'm fed up with the baloney!

(L to R) Evelyn,  Guy, and The Fudge Factory.

You know what I'm talking about you S.O.B.  I'm talking about that poor little excuse for a dog you got running around the neighborhood, terrorizing the good folks of Barracuda Lane.  Your little low life mangey mutt has been sh*tting in my yard for 5 months now, and you ain't even picked up a dang t*rd in the last 4 of those months!  You think you're all big now, huh?  Hot shot? More like Hot Sh*t in the palm of my hand from pickin' up your dang dog's little brownie bits off my Bermuda grass.  Now I got a good mind to just call the pound on his punk a** and be done with it.  How would you and Evelyn like them apples, Guy?  Handle your business! D*mnit!

Now, I never said a dang thing about you parking that ugly, good for nothing, skimmer boat out in the front driveway, when you dang well know that ain't allowed by the association.  You show off all the dang time when you drive up in your gold Chevy Lumina, thinkin' like your sh*t don't stink parkin' on the street, (cause your dang skimmer takes up the driveway), more than 8 inches from the dang curb, so everyone going home, after a long days work, has to wait out oncoming traffic just to get home.  I never said a dang thing about it.  Well, I got news for you.  Screw you, Guy Williams.  You and that piece of crap dog of yours can go to He** in a handbasket.

Guy Williams and a recent rescue from GCHS.
"Bobo" to add 56 lbs of "fertilizer" to my wife's
crepe myrtles over the next year.

Just the other day Francis saw your "sweet little" Fifi lay 3 warm Tootsie Rolls in her gardenias.  Now, if I were a less civilized man, I'd slap the sh*t out of you, but not Fifi.  I ain't slappin' nothing out of her,  seein' as she's probably runnin' on empty from all the t*rds she's been droppin' IN MY DANG YARD.  C'mon man!  C'mon!

I know you think you're a big time attorney, with them big time politicals going on down there, but you gotta think about someone else for a change.  Im tired of finding little dried up Bon Bons on my welcome mat after I get back from 2 weeks in the field, and the first thing I do is put my heel in that chocolate puddin' after I take off my work boots!  What the f*ck is that, Guy Williams! Seriously!   Listen, I'm gonna take a breath here.

Now, you got alot going on, Guy.  We've been neighbors for 17 years, and I know you worked hard to get to where you're at now.  But please, Guy.  For the love of God, and as a fellow Lutheran.  We know each other.  Please get your dang dog to quit leaving her chocolate easter eggs on my property.

Your Neighbor,

Brent Chesney

P.S. Who did your signs?  They look like sh*t.

Joe Benavideth's Judicial Experience: Hooter's Swimsuit Competition

In what seems to be an extremely hot race for Justice of The Peace, Precinct 1, Place 1 for Nueces County, a local man has thrown his hat into the political ring for the 4th time, all of which have been unsuccessful, but this time, hoping for the best.  "I'm Joe Benavideth, and I want to be your Justith of the Peath."  says Benavideth on Wednesday.  Ith's time thomeone thpoke for the thitizens of Corputh Chrithti.  Clearly and conthicely."

"Order in the Court! I'll have Pickle Chips!"

Benavideth has no legal experience, but has already taken steps to remedy that:  First stop, Hooters of Corpus Christi's annual Swimsuit Compe"tit"ion and Bikini Car Wash.  La Bandera caught up with the judicial hopeful at the event and spent some quality time with him and according to Mr. Benavideth, some "theriouth hottieth!"

"My opponent sayth I have no real knowledge of Judicial processth, or the lawth of the State of Texath.  Ith's true.  I don't.  But I'm willing to fixth this aysthap (asap, s.i.c)."  Since then, Benavideth has been on the "thircuit" of the closest things to Judicial Conduct he can legally participate in.  "I'm a good judge of variouth things.  Bikinis, ribs, brithsket, livesthock (for 4H and FFA), coconut shrimp, pumpkin pieth, clam chowderths, anything really.  Im cleared to judge a lot of things.  Except for other human beingsth." says Benavideth about his broad culinary judicial experience.  "Now leth get thome wingth.  Im stharving!"

"This entry tastes like complete sh*t!" says Benavideth
 at a local church's Bake Sale and Pumpkin Pie Contest
to another unqualified and, unfortunately, diabetic pie judge.

Benavideth has also judged the City of Taft's annual Chuckwagon Chili Cookoff, of which there were 3 entries.   "The thpices are thuttle, having been thimmered for hourth over open flameth, with the thlightest amounths of tomatoeth sthewed to a thertain thoftness." Benavides eloquently spoke about the bowl that placed last in the competition, which he regarded as the best.  "Oh I meant to thay that one sthucked. I must have sthwitched the bowlth or my judgeth's card on accthident. STHORRY EVERYONE!"  Benavideth, who is not a certified teacher is certified to judge salsas and hot sauces.

Benavideth's hope for office hasn't been an easy one.  Often tied to political juggernaut Judge Joe A. Gonzales (JAG), Benavideth has come under scrutiny for being tied to JAG's charity "Education Is Our Freedom".  The charity took much needed fines, fees, and monies away from the citizens of Nueces County.  Parents and children under JAG's court were told to donate to the charity and submit donations in care of Joe Benavideth.  Almost $21,000 dollars of county funds were diverted to charities of JAG's choice, with the majority going to his personal charity project with Benavideth as a chairman.

"Is this serious? Am I being Punk'd too?"
asks Judge Torres.

Benavideth faces an uphill battle against his opponent and current Justice of the Peace, Judge Amanda N. Torres.  "He has no knowledge, experience, or understanding of the law.  He has no education in the legal field, and no knowledge of the rights of the people of Nueces County." says Judge Torres, who is a  licensed attorney by the State of Texas, and has had control of the office for over a year.  Judge Torres comes as a former prosecutor for the Nueces County District Attorney's office, working diligently and knowledgeably to see justice is served.  "Can't we just have someone who knows what they are doing?  No, really.  I'm being serious when I ask that.  Does he know anything?" the Judge added.

"The officth of Justith Of The Peath is a Peopleth Court.  A law degree isth'nt necthethary,"  says Benavideth, who has been watching numerous episodes of Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown on TiVo for training purposes on common legal terms and practices.  "This is Texath Jusith to the fulleth exthent!" says Benavideth, says an inspired Benavideth, after watching a rerun of an episode of Judge Larry Joe Doherty in action.  The popular television Judge Doherty dispenses tough "Texas Justice" to a woman to pay her ex-fiance $200 dollars for damage to his car's rear bumper after she backed into a dumpster at their apartment complex.  "Fair and balanced, b*tch!  Get thsome!" says Benavideth.  "Also, sthweet sthummer sthausthage tasteth sthplendid when sthliced in sthandwiches."

What's Skurka up to?

Corpus Christi-

Special La Bandera Exclusive Interview:  Mark Skurka (D) dishes on what he's been busy with since his June departure from the Nueces County District Attorney's office.

He's got "Hungry Eyes"
-Skurka sets his sights
on D.A. position. 

"Oh, you know.  Same ol', same ol'" says Skurka in a special interview with La Bandera.  "I have alot of things on my plate, ya know.  It's a heaping helping, that's for sure!" says Skurka during an early breakfast meeting at the Golden Corral restaurant in beautiful Corpus Christi, Texas.  Skurka is currently in the "thick gravy" that is election time.  "I've been as busy as a Butterball, I tell ya.  All this campaigning takes its Toll House, if ya catch my drift." says Skurka, tearing into a pile of hashbrown casserole.

A slice of Skurka's daily routine.

In what was supposed to be a brief meeting at the breakfast buffet, the interview quickly turned into a 4 hour presentation of Skurka's plans for the office, often peppered with a few "power-naps" for the D.A. hopeful.  "I hereby call this luncheon adjourned!" says Skurka, after La Bandera footed the bill for the lunch portion of the meeting at the same restaurant.  "I didn't know they were gonna charge ya twice, boy!" Skurka smirked.  

Skurka has been a piece of the pie in the District Attorneys office for over 10 years, with a notable record of convictions, but even more interesting, are his confections.  Since his early 20's, the jolly former prosecutor has wowed co-workers with his grasp of the culinary.  "I've been making treats for office functions at my desk for years.  I have an Easy-Bake oven in my top drawer, and a George Foreman Grill instead of a computer.  Sometimes I drag out the computer AND the grill.  Turn it into a sort of Panini press." says Skurka in a second interview around 3 p.m. the same day at a local Sonic Drive-In.  

"Can I get a witness?" -Skurka speaking to local students.

Mark Skurka has also been busy traveling all over Nueces County working free-lance as a motivational speaker.  The political candidate offers to give La Bandera a special tour of Nueces County in his van that keeps down by the Nueces River, where he often sleeps, as well.  "I'm going to bear-claw my way to the top again, even if I have to steam-jelly-roll the people who get in my way." says Skurka of his political dreams.  "You a fan of tamales, boy?  Exit Ayers, son."

The jovial candidate has been met with some unsavory opposition.  Skurka has been often criticized in the local media for being too complacent with his position; which in turn created a massive backlog of cases, clogging up the County's arteries of effectiveness at prosecuting criminals.  "Oh, backlog, cheeselog!  I have not been complacent!  If anything, I'd say I was soley responsible for chicken-greasing the wheels of that office." 

"Objection!"-Skurka in action at new job.  

"Look, I'm a people person.  I need back in that office." sighs Skurka, who has been unemployed for months. "I mean, I'm not totally jobless.  I have a weekend gig." says Skurka, referring to his part-time employment for  McDonald's Corp. as a paid actor for promotional events.  

Race for Governor ads turn negative; Voters left to decide based on looks.

Austin, Texas
In what seems to be a never-ending flow of negative political advertisements, candidate Bill White (D) and incumbent Governor Rick Perry (R) have created a campaign environment so entrenched with finger-pointing and name-calling, both candidates have been reduced to vying for votes the old-fashioned way: with their looks.

Rick Perry pushes the ad envelope.

"I mean, they're both kind of older men, but I like that.  I mean, I choose Governor Perry.  He looks kind of like my uncle Harold mixed with this guy that works at the computer lab. I don't know!  Ahhhh!!  I'm really embarrassed to say this stuff, you guys!" says Texas A&M Corpus Christi freshman Tamara Hudson. "I kinda like his blazer," she adds, tousling her hair with her index finger.

Falling noticeably behind in early polls, challenger Bill White has decided to roll out the big guns.  Reports indicate White has invested $250,000 of what is left of his dwindling campaign budget to hire fashion-mogul/consultant and millionaire CEO extraordinaire Dov Charney.  Charney is widely known across the fashion world for his Los Angeles-based clothing company, American Apparel.

Bill White "Back to Basics" campaign.

"Bill came to me when he needed me the most.  He asked me 'What can I do?' I said, 'Do it all.  Live it, Bill.  Work it, flaunt it,'" describes Charney about the first meeting with the Gubernatorial candidate.  "I've launched a full-on web based-ad campaign.  We generate buzz.  This is guerilla blogging, or 'guerillogging' or 'blorilla'.  I haven't decided yet," says Charney from his vacation converted-warehouse loft in central Austin.  "How far is IKEA from here?" he inquired at the close of the interview.

White began with a traditional Myspace page, which was recently abandoned for his new Facebook page, where he has 35 "likes" and growing. "I check it like, twice a day. But on Saturday I'll be on there for like 3 hours, just posting funny YouTube vids on my friends walls," laughs White.  "I have a Twitter but I only have like 38 followers.  Oh you can follow me if you want. It's @imWhiteYo," White adds.

Candidate Bill Whites latest lookbook.nu post

American Apparrel CEO Dov Charney has also started submitting photos of candidate White on popular fashion site The Lookbook (www.lookbook.nu), where users from all over the world submit photos of their own personal fashion ensembles.  "At least, like, 7 people favorited my pic of me in some Wayfarers and a sweet peacoat." says White on his new obsession.  "I need that youth demographic to vote for me, since it's all about what you wear and who you are with, nowadays.  Issues?  What issues, man.  It's all a huge populatity contest, anyways."

The race is on to reach all demographics.  "Men, women, tweens, teeny-boppers, hipsters, ghetto-fab, the gays, the jock d-bags... we want everyone!" states White at his latest appearance at a Forever 21 inside a San Antonio mall.  "We are here, we are united, we are the future of Texas!"

-La Bandera

Shamsie changes name of County Court 5 to Candy Land 5!

SPECIAL BREAKING NEWS:

Judge Shamsie unveils new Juvenile Justice Center.

In an unprecedented move, Judge Terry Shamsie unveiled the new and improved Juvenile Justice Center located at 2310 Gollihar Road today to a crowd of very enthusiastic juvenile delinquents.  Also in the audience were the 5 "Golden Citation" ticket holders, who had the special privilege of taking a guided tour of the new facility by Judge Terry Shamsie himself.

"I deal with these types of kids every day, and BELIEVE ME, they get BORED as all heck when they have to come here.  I'm just trying to make it easier for them and the parents.  Nobody wants to come here, but now, why not.  It's kind of cool, if ya thunked about it." says The Judge, with a sly smirk, on his new "state-of-the-tart" facility.  The Judge then proceeded to do a front-somersault on the red carpet and with a tip of his velvet top hat, he announced the opening of "Candy Land Court Of Law 5" to boisterous cheers all around.

Detailed Blueprint of new facility.

"The schnozzberries taste like schnozzberries!" exclaimed a young man, whose name is witheld, as he licked the newly installed "Flavo-Wallpaper" in the foyer of the new facility.  "Aw I picked up a stupid ol' Burglary of an Automobile charge, or some crud, but now I get to check this s*** out for myself!" he exclaimed.  The new facility also boasts a Chocolate Fountain in the entry, and Gum-Drop ottomans for sitting in the waiting room.  Metal detectors have been replaced with one of Judge Shamsie's own inventions, the Smile detector.  "I have so many ideas...up here," says Shamsie pointing to his brain.  "And in here." he concludes, pointing to his heart.

CPS caseworker Leia Handonma Butterfingers is pleased with the new home for Juvenile Justice and Family Law.  "What these kids needed was a cool place to hang out.  There aren't many places for kids to go in Corpus Christi.  Hopefully the kids can come hang out here, off the streets and out of trouble."

Judge Shamsie counsels a young man.

"Usually the kids come here and just get a slap on the wrist, maybe a hug from us... But this is different.  We can still slap them on the wrist, but this time, its with Bubble Tape!"  says Probation Officer Hershey Kiss.

Parents can expect a quick and easy due process thanks to a special Gondola-style boat that runs through the facility.  "It's quick, and fun as all hell, really.  I got scared at the end, though! But I mean Shamsie is a real nice guy. He crazy as hell though.  We outta here for now." says Leroy Licorice, parent to a child that had cases for Evading Arrest, Disorderly Conduct, and Possession of Marijuana.   All three charges were dismissed today.

Farenthold Hopes to Win Office, Lose Virginity

Farenthold scopin' for chicks.

In what seems to be a long overdue change of guard in South Texas Politics, Republican Blake Farenthold has thrown his hat in the ring for United States Congress.  In Texas, District 27 spans the coast from Ingleside to Brownsville.  The current seat-holder, Congressman Solomon Ortiz, has been in office for the past 27 years.

"I'm here as a South Texan.  I am here based on a long history of ethics and integrity.  I am here to do what is right.  I just want to accomplish one thing when I get to the Senate.  I want to get laid, already! Jeez." says Farenthold from his 1 bedroom apartment on the south-side of the beautiful Corpus Christi, Texas.

"You don't know what it's like.  I'm in the public eye.  People look up to me.  I want to represent the people of the 27th District to the fullest of my capabilities.  To do so, I must first bang someone.  Anyone, really." Farenthold sighed.

Ordering off the "Kids Menu"

State Representative Solomon Ortiz (D) is fighting back.  "Listen, with all due respect, I don't give a s*** whether or not he wants to get laid at this point in the game.  I lost my virginity when I was elected 27 years ago.  It's not that big of a deal, really.  I mean, afterwards, I thought to myself, 'That was it? That's what everyone was talking about?' It's cool, but I mean, it's not life or death or anything." says Ortiz in a phone interview.  "I'm up here taking care of business, if you know what I mean. I get mine. Tell that. I've been to China, Thailand, you name it. It's crazy what a man can do with money and power.  It's insane." Ortiz said.

Farenthold at a local singles mixer

"It's not fair!  It's just not.  I mean, I'm meeting alot of new people now, finally.  Just give someone else a shot, already for God's sake." says Farenthold while being interviewed at a local IHOP restaurant at 4 am.  "Ooh hell yeah, I just killed your Bulbasaur" he added.

In another hotly contested debate, State Representative Solomon Ortiz, Jr. (D) faces off with Republican candidate Raul Torres, both who did not immediately return calls, mostly because they were having sex with hot chicks, probably.

County Judge race filmed for MTV's Punk'd!

MTV rolls into Nueces County

     Cable network giant MTV has rolled into Nueces County just in time for November elections with one goal in mind:  Getting someone Punk'd!  In what seems to be a heated contest for Nueces County Judge, incumbent Judge Loyd Neal remains completely unaware of the hidden cameras strategically placed around the Nueces County Courthouse since early April.  MTV has plunged head first into American politics to set up one of the biggest, most expensive pranks the cable network has ever orchestrated.

"We have never gone this big. This is going 2 rock! its a DEMO-CRAZY!" said Punk'd host Ashton Kutcher via his Twitter account.  Producer Jonathan Murray and Mary Ellis Bunim were unavailable for comment.

Actress/Opponent "Clarissa Gonzalez"

An B- list actress was hired by Punk'd to portray a character who runs for political office.  "I play a character named Clarissa Gonzalez.  Basically, I run around and just say the most ridiculous things I can think of!  It is so much fun. A lot is unscripted!" says the 17 year old actress.  The stage was set when the actress now known to the local media as "The Chipper Chipmunk" won the spot on the ballot as the Democratic candidate for County Judge in the upcoming November election.

"We have created a character so ridiculous, no one seems to notice that it is a blatant prank.  Sometimes I think she went too far with her artistic freedoms, but people still listen to her talk.  It's hilarious!" says director and head-writer Joe Flores.  "We had an actual mock-debate.  I was cringing the whole time.  It was like watching a train-wreck. Effing hilarious, dude. You have no idea. No idea!"

"I basically play the airhead-type mixed with the pseudo-intellectual.  It's really complicated. I got the idea from Nickelodeon's show 'Clarissa Explains It All' and I try to! LOLZ!" said the young actress via an iChat conversation, who was recently quoted at a forum as saying "I'm from the age of the Internet!  Also, World Peace."

County Judge Incumbent

One man who is not aware of the joke is current Judge Loyd Neal.  "She is doing her thing, I am doing mine." says Neal when asked of his thoughts on his opponents mock-campaign, which he believes is real.  In several mock-interviews with Judge Neal, he claims his opponent may not be able to handle the responsibilities of the office.

"Judge Neal is going to FLIP OUT when I tell him he is being Punk'd!" says Kutcher via Twitter last Saturday, adding "I think he would get it after ALL THE RIDIC things she says!"

-La Bandera