Farenthold Hopes to Win Office, Lose Virginity

Farenthold scopin' for chicks.

In what seems to be a long overdue change of guard in South Texas Politics, Republican Blake Farenthold has thrown his hat in the ring for United States Congress.  In Texas, District 27 spans the coast from Ingleside to Brownsville.  The current seat-holder, Congressman Solomon Ortiz, has been in office for the past 27 years.

"I'm here as a South Texan.  I am here based on a long history of ethics and integrity.  I am here to do what is right.  I just want to accomplish one thing when I get to the Senate.  I want to get laid, already! Jeez." says Farenthold from his 1 bedroom apartment on the south-side of the beautiful Corpus Christi, Texas.

"You don't know what it's like.  I'm in the public eye.  People look up to me.  I want to represent the people of the 27th District to the fullest of my capabilities.  To do so, I must first bang someone.  Anyone, really." Farenthold sighed.

Ordering off the "Kids Menu"

State Representative Solomon Ortiz (D) is fighting back.  "Listen, with all due respect, I don't give a s*** whether or not he wants to get laid at this point in the game.  I lost my virginity when I was elected 27 years ago.  It's not that big of a deal, really.  I mean, afterwards, I thought to myself, 'That was it? That's what everyone was talking about?' It's cool, but I mean, it's not life or death or anything." says Ortiz in a phone interview.  "I'm up here taking care of business, if you know what I mean. I get mine. Tell that. I've been to China, Thailand, you name it. It's crazy what a man can do with money and power.  It's insane." Ortiz said.

Farenthold at a local singles mixer

"It's not fair!  It's just not.  I mean, I'm meeting alot of new people now, finally.  Just give someone else a shot, already for God's sake." says Farenthold while being interviewed at a local IHOP restaurant at 4 am.  "Ooh hell yeah, I just killed your Bulbasaur" he added.

In another hotly contested debate, State Representative Solomon Ortiz, Jr. (D) faces off with Republican candidate Raul Torres, both who did not immediately return calls, mostly because they were having sex with hot chicks, probably.